It seems like as you grow and shed your adolescent skin, your perception changes.
Overt the course of a year now i have felt as though i was loosing myself, falling into some dark pit in which my highschool self was falling into. I didn’t want to let go of who i had become in 12 years; she was nice, fun,strong willed, very smart and whimsical. But being thrusted into the torment of poverty induced stress threatned her. I fell into a sort of depression.
Didn’t know which way was up or down, left or right it felt like i was just floating in limbo, not alive and also not dead. I felt caged from the things my heart wanted to do versus what i needed to do for long term benefit.
It took a voluntarily miscarage, shedding dead weight “friends”, control over recrational items (alcohol and cigarettes), and experimentation in what i find peace in doing to really begin healing and finding the essance of myself again.
In this, I realized that I had been going through a change in perception. It was how i used to experience and see the world comparative to becoming an adult and realizing that the world IS a bit darker than I originally thought coming into it and that i was never as privileged, as my mother made me believe; thus I’d have to work harder to get to where I needed to be.
Cognitive dissonance is strong in all of us and when we feel that our thoughts and opinions are being challenged we throw up those walls…
Don’t. Step back and try to think objectively about what is happening around and or to you. Dont shrink away because that just might make things worse.
There is nothing wrong with a change in your perception of life. We are still who we were at the beginning of this little article.
I am a perfect contruct and product of my mothers lowered self esteem and projected desires.
I do what needs to be done before it is asked.
I do what needs to be done before anyone even thinks to ask for it.
I respect my superiors and act accordingly to my peers.
I am a hard worker in the fact that I push myself to appease my superiors in hopes of being noticed and given something in return.
I HATE IT!
From years of my mother’s projected frustrations and second handed living needs, I am a mess.
Being out of highschool and no longer around a plethora of differnet people to be around and associate my personality with; has thrown me into a symbolic mirror.
Ive had to face fuguring out who i am in relation to my struggles in fitting with societies expectations and my needs. For so many years I had been living and acting out certain things based on what my mother wanted snd needed.
Ever since taking command if my own life and doing what needs to be done for me ive realized just how much of my mother was implanted to my psychy. I never realized just how sensitive and over thoughful i am about the people around me.
Sudies have shown that people who have had to grow up in Authoritarian or otherwise verbally abusive house holds often become sensetive to those minute non-verbal and verbal cues people express. Thus causing them to depress them selves in tough interactions.
I overthink so much and I often don’t give myself enough credit for my great personality and perseverance. I am ussually stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to certain things.
I come from a bizzar, crazy, and down-right awe-worthy childhood.
What I am most greatful for today:
Would have to be my future in-laws.
Ive recently decided to spend time away from my mother; meaning I moved out semi-permanently.
Long story short I couldn’t get enough sleep or peace of mind to easily work two jobs so i left and slept in my car for a bit.
My in-laws decided to let me in and now im crashing on their couch.
These wonderful people have been in my life for 4 years and have been calling me their daughter-in-law since 3 years ago.
If you have anyone in your life like this show your appreciation.
I was on snapchat the other day (i should mention snapchat tries to include tidbits of actually informative segments that bring an open mind back down to earth) and i saw this. I thought it was hilarious considering if you’re over 18 you are no longer eligible for government general health assistance;and with that said if you arent lucky enough to be on your parents health plan you dont have insurance of any kind.
Being apart of the ever growing but never improving poor class does’nt allow for easy access to health care unless we as newly named “adults” work full time jobs that even provide health care insurance right out of highschool.
Many of us are in what is called the insurance gap (no, not GAP insurance):
Adults between the age of 18-26 who are unable to get insurance because they are too young to have a job that is able to provide a coverage option but too old to get free assistance from the government (medicare… ect.)
Dont get me wrong there are still ways around this but if your parents didnt have to struggle enough to figure out what can be done or never bothered to let you know then you probably dont know how you can get assistance for a dental check up here and there or that much needed physical.
They dont make well known our options as unfortunate citizens of this odd-ball society we live in what can be done for out basic needs for dental and health.
Here are a few links I hope will find there way to helping more than a few people:
Benefits by State:
Rent Assistance Programs:
I reside in Texas so if there are any unfortunate people from Texas reading this I suggest getting the Gold Card; its like an insurance card you can use anywhere it is accepted.
(My step mother in law has used it to go to a psychiatrist; just so you know how far it could go for you if you choose to pursue)
What i am greatful for today:
I cant reAlly think of anything that i have not already said.
I guess at this point i have to either dig a bit deeper or keep it very simple. Ill keep it simple today.
I have a car, and despite the heafty monthly bill i am always happy to pay for it because it gives me a place to mediate, run away, and come back down to reality when things get stressed.
“I know that sometimes our only choices are between shitty and shittier, but what ever we end up doing we gata own it.”
“NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL, GET UP, SHOW UP AND DON’T GIVE UP”
What I am most greatful for today:
I was caught between delving a bit deeper or keeping it short and simple.
It took me over 12 hours but I decided to keep it simple as I’m not yet ready to express my inner most thoughts.
I am most greatful for going through having to end a pregnancy 4 weeks,
I know thats weird and you may be feeling a number of emotions towards that but it’s true.
I realized just how much I wanted/need a baby and its motivated my wonderful boyfriend to try even harder to get a job that can not only sustain us but give him leway to promote him self when needed so he can be apart in the act of create a little us.
And lastly I would not have found out just how malnurished i was AND i wouldnt be taking birthcontrol that has has had the side affect of stabalizing hormones.
Through heart break and greif I am healthy again, I am able to continue working hard to finally get that leg up in my socioeconomic status. I am doing this for me and my future(s).
Side note: i started this blog to get the BS off my chest but ALSO reach out to a number of people and or groups. We are all in this together as millennials, middle class,above and below we are on the same level of Gen-y specific brutalities.
What i am greatful today:
Is that i am able to sleep in my car @ a reasonably safe spot and most of all that safe space is in the front of my boyfriends town home.
Now you might be wondering why am i sleeping outside? Why not in his house? Thats because they have a bigger issue than just not having enough room. He has to share a room with his brother and his house has a pretty simple setup, its too small.
But its okay. Im just happy that i can finally get some uninterrupted sleep.
We all need really good sleep during these tough times right? Its the only thing that seems to not cost an arm and a leg as a millennial.
i wonder if this will be more common among the Gen-y’ers who are lucky enough to even have a car.
what I am most greatful for today
i guess it would be my car. I decided to try and sleep in my car as often as i need instead because of my living situation.
I am finally on the road to recovery and in order to continue being mindful of my mental health i need to find quality rest or else ill be back in the same spot at i was earlier this year.
Sleep, next to food is probably the most important element to healthy living. Don’t cha think?
Side note: I think its interesting to see an increased population of people (especially women) who live or have lived in their cars. Its a little disheartening to recognize this as a growing issue in the millennial community.
+Heavy drinkers during family events
+Living just above the poverty line
+Father took an indefinite vacation away
+Sibling share a different father who also just so happens to be missing
These are just a few of the topical must have’s when concidering what makes you apart of that stereo typical portion of society.
I had no clue how bad things were between my family and I untill we were faced with living below the poverty line for a second time in a 3 year span. My mother distanced herself so much i can’t sleep with my back facing her way without feeling like she’ll try to hurt me.
Hm… Could be that innate fear black parents like to instill in their children to control them surffacing or something entirely new… Who knows.
And my little brother (13) is acting like he is of the proper age to do what ever when ever. After a year of him indulging in the activities of a 17 year old he finally experienced something that reset his attitude a little. He found himself on a richer part of town (white part of town) after taking the wrong bus, which happened to be his first time riding the bus.
Needless to say with his knowlage of what happens to boys his age and appearance, he stopped running up and down the streets like he was born there.
Why me? Why us? Why the lies that we were anything other than the typical underprivileged “African American” family.
I got a tattoo of a lotus flower because i feel like one, i am one. A beautiful thing grown from an ugly and sterile environment.