Prt.1 Black and Poor- Living the Stereotype

+Small family
+Distant “family”
+Heavy drinkers during family events
+Living just above the poverty line
+Father took an indefinite vacation away
+Sibling share a different father who also just so happens to be missing

These are just a few of the topical must have’s when concidering what makes you apart of that stereo typical portion of society.

I had no clue how bad things were between my family and I untill we were faced with living below the poverty line for a second time in a 3 year span. My mother distanced herself so much i can’t sleep with my back facing her way without feeling like she’ll try to hurt me.
Hm… Could be that innate fear black parents like to instill in their children to control them surffacing or something entirely new… Who knows.

And my little brother (13) is acting like he is of the proper age to do what ever when ever. After a year of him indulging in the activities of a 17 year old he finally experienced something that reset his attitude a little. He found himself on a richer part of town (white part of town) after taking the wrong bus, which happened to be his first time riding the bus.

Needless to say with his knowlage of what happens to boys his age and appearance, he stopped running up and down the streets like he was born there.

Why me? Why us? Why the lies that we were anything other than the typical underprivileged “African American” family.

I got a tattoo of a lotus flower because i feel like one, i am one. A beautiful thing grown from an ugly and sterile environment.


WIAGF 30 day Challenge 2/30

What I am greatful for 30 day Challenge:

Day 2: Today I am greatful for my two jobs.

Ill go ahead and start off with what i hate doing but helps more than it hurts me. 

I am glad that bi weekly i get 2 paychecks, these jobs are building me to learn discipline and the skill that will be nessesary when i pursure being an assistant manager.

You have to learn to love even the most annoying things because it could still be very beneficial for you to deal with them. 

30 day “What am I Greatful for Challenge”

In short i will start off this challenge with something simple: I am greatful for the opportunity to create this challenge, i have been going back and forth with my emotions about my current life situation and realize time and time again that i need to get out of my head and focus on the little stupid things in life that make me happy again.

here is the 30 minute podcast link

 In this podcast it was explained that humans have the tendancy to focus on negative things in their lives. Even if they might be small insignificant things humans for some reason cant stop turning it into something huge. It was also said that in an experiment when “this” many people were told to write out what they are greatful for each day for “said” amount of time, it was recorded that they had increased leveles of happinessby the end of the experiement.

They also stated that even when someone has a great bounce back and it happy they soon get used to that boost in life and revert back to thinking about all that might be going wrong with their lives.

I am guilty. With that said, for the next month I am going to come up with 30 individual “things” I feel to be greatful for.

This Challenge will end July 3rd.

Some positivity 🌈

1- I will be sooooo strong after this.

2- I will have gained the experience of
26 year old by the time I am able to grasp my place in life. 

3- I HAVE a boyfriend of 4 freaking years! Most my age can’t keep a significant other for more than 6 months! Let alone be with their perfect match.

4- I HAVE wonderful friends, a few but quality over quantity!

5- I’ll be able to pass down my knowledge and wisdom to my kids. I will be the most wonderful mother because I know what it’s like to not have one. And they will have a father that is active and present.

6- My generation of millennials may struggle but it won’t be all for not. The asshole higher ups will get what’s coming to them when we fail and they start failing.

A Break From Reality- Not Really

Adulthood seems to be so fucking bazaar to say the least.
They push you out of high school saying that you are now an adult BUT here is a 4 million page book on all the rules and regulations we have set out for you.
In reality I am an adult doing what needs to be done. But in reality I am a child that seems to be flopping around aimlessly.
It really pisses me off,  because on top of being a female who is short and has a small voice, they still don’t see me as an adult because of my age. I’m a tiny 22 year old woman. No one is going to take me seriously.
“You’re an adult and can do what you please BUT not untill you conform to these rules and regulations.”
Fucking great. Being an adult is wonderful.

The millennial inflation

So I was surfing the web and came across this photo. I think it speaks volumes about how expensive things are these days, and how comparably we have so much less opportunity for OWNING and EXPERIENCING certain things than the older generations did.
It May not be a completely accurate representation of how much things were back in the day but we all know inflation is a bitch right now.
Don’t any of you think there is something wrong when a meal from a fast food place can cost as much as an hours wage from an entry level job? For me that raises a huge red flag.
It SHOULD NOT be this way.
Entry level jobs are suposed to help us get on our feet while we may or may not pursue bigger things but, HA! It really doesn’t. Especially since the job market is so finiky and teeters this way and that you’ll be hard pressed to grow from there or get any where else.
I have been working two jobs for nearing a year now and I honestly have nothing to show for it. Its really only suporting my car,gas and food. But what about a nice cheap aparment? No inflation has fucked that up as well.
When you can’t get a cheap apartment in even the questionable side of town without having to room with 2 or more people it should raise another red flag.
It shouldn’t be a requirement to bunk with other people Especially if you still work two jobs.
We millennials literally have to stay at home longer or work so much harder to start nesting and move away from home. I paused school so I can make sure I don’t have an excuse to work only 1 job and I fucking hate it.
I MISS SCHOOL GUYS I seriously do! But with me being 22 and no where near flying the nest I AM FORCED TO!
How long will they keep inflating the cost of everything untill they stop. Probably when the working class is too poor to even afford their latest goddamn phone or TV.

Anyway Fuck life. Fuck inflation. Fuck minim wage. Fuck it all man.

First 7 days

This will be a blog about the first 7 days on birth control. I have never used a hormonal contraceptive before.

Day1- fidgety, and a bit jumpy very happy.

Day2- slight and annoying cramps, light bleeding.

-feeling more feminine (walk, talk, takeing care of skin)

Day3- no cramps (took 800 mg of ibuprofen couldn’t take the annoying cramps) still spotting.

-a little moody.
Day4- extremely moody and in the morning-evening. (although the moodiness is similar to my usual pms BS) no spotting till I started moving around.
Day5- no spotting, no cramps Generally normal mood set.
Day6- no spotting, cramps or anything. Feeling down low though similar to how I have been this past year any way.
Day7- I feel like I have more control over my emotions when saddness hits. I can come out of it if I need it.

I took control of my body and I fucking love it. With so many things out of my control right now I feel most positive about taking this daily. I feel like a woman taking charge of her life. I know this may seem simple and almost un-noteworthy but to each their own my friend.

First pregnancy

I wanted to start off by saying that this is a topic that NEEDS to be talked about. It is also a way for me to continue those little steps to mental acceptance and recovery.

The news-
I knew something was up before I was supposed to start My period. A week later I took 6 tests,i didn’t need to buy you can figure what kind of denial I might have been going through.

My in between feelings about it-
I was devastated. My heart was very torn and I couldn’t stop bawling My eyes out from the first test to the 6th. The first thought that ran through my mind was “this is our first child and it has to go.” My boyfriend of 4 years was there when I took the first test and he was supportive as always he immediately reassured me that he will support what ever choice and he did not offer his own thoughts about what I should do because like he said, “it’s your body and I love you. I will be with you and suport you with what ever you decide to do.” he cried with me a bit that night.

My very special significant others feeling about it
A few days later the day before I decided to call up a womens clinic I probed him for what he thinks should happen (he was reluctant because like he said it’s my body and my choice) he was very objective and carefully oh so carefully explained that we don’t have the funds for it and if we did he would ask me to keep the baby out right.

I asked for A copy of the sonogram-
On the 2 dAys after the initial visit which was the day I was scheduled for the abortion I ask for a copy of the sonogram to keep. I did not want to rid myself of our little jelly bean but poverty is not the right place to raise and build a child. And I feel like those who bring kids into poverty stricken homes are worse than those who choose to terminate because of that reason.
A few hours before it was done-
It was about a 4 hour wait. The first hour I sat a dimly lit room with others who were waiting as well. I was then Given some valium, and other medication for the procedure and was promptly sent back to the waiting room where the medication kicked in and I fell asleep for probably about 2.5 hours. I was called into the room and that calm Feeling was imediatly replaced with me shaking like a leaf from the nerves and removal of my warm blanket. The process hurt a bit but between me going in and out of it I think it was a rather quick pinch here and there.

Right after i so hungry and a bit whiny-
My appetite was huge,i ate a kolache a few donuts and donut holes. Probably some other stuff as well but in the hours following my procedure were nothing but a blur from the anesthesia. I slept on and off for a while. And of course The whole time my wonderful boyfriend was there calling me cute because of how hungry,heavily sedated and whiny I was. I love him so much and I am so greatful to have him in my life.

The morning after-
I felt great. Like there was a huge weight lifted from my chest. I cod think more cleat and I was no longer rampant t with stress a s depression (the pregnancy hormones caused me to go insane). I cried for a few days following but I don’t regret anything. As a woman I have the right to decide when and where to have my babies.

Side note-
Before I found out I was pregnant it felt like I had a million and one issues crushing me but nothing compares to being pregnant. I feel like I can conquer any and everything right now. We want to make sure that our life is as near perfect as it can be (which is perfect) before I decided to bring a child into this world. I also love that I can eat again. And if I had not been pregnant I never would have known I was severely anemic and and also in need of women’s multivitamin. I am happy. And I can always have another little jelly bean in my belly in the future with my husband and not my boyfriend.


List of victories currently in my life

1. A long term relationship
2. Great managers
3. An adorable little brother
4. Empathetic abilities
5. Maturity to get shit done
6. My personal responisbilities
          -car note, Cell phone bill

7. People who love me and they aren’t my blood.

The main reason why I’m feeling a bit positive today is because of one girl who took my order at Starbucks.
She greeted me in singsong! I was so caught of guard that for a moment I forgot about all the negativity that lorded over me. It felt like my mind had to reconfigure its neutronic processes to help me. I felt lifted. She was so polite. She reminded me of how i used to be before all of this negativity overran my life. I was the one to always be positive and happy so that the other could be the same I loved being that person.

I want to fight to become that beautifully whimsical girl again with some mods of course 😜.

Morning Ritual for job #1

I wake up complete the puzzle then reset my alarm to go off nearly 30 minutes later. Wake up again and rush out the house barely realizing what I’m even doing. 

I am a millennial and It really sucks.

My parents are no longer “well-to-do” so now I have to pick up the slack for myself. I’m not saying I have to help them pay bills no way thank goodness. I mean I can’t stay home anymore. 

I have to work two shitty paying jobs to save up then move out. 

“Oh well why can’t u just stay home. Its much easier that way.”

Because I share a living room with two family members. Witg me being a huge introvert who loves her space; these past 6 months have taken its toll on my mental stability.It has been steadily dwindling because the lack of proper sleep and time to self. I need space I can call my own to heal and I don’t have that. 

I work two jobs so I can get away. I stress myself two LOW-PAYING jobs as a 22 year old “adult?”. because it seems any other higher paying job (9-10) have managers that like to shit on you for breakfast lunch, and dinner; you know… Which ever random shift they’ve given you that day. 

“DONT KILL ANYONE!” I say to myself hahaha. Its just another day, only a couple dollars extra.